Guess who’s fucking who this week in Hollywood?! Who cares! I am sick this weekend and pretty annoyed at life, so why not take it out on the people I like the least in the world … celebrities! I’m just going to look through some celebrity news websites and pull out a few headlines that stand out to me and rewrite them as any self-respecting metalhead would. Let’s give this a try:
http://www.mirror.co.uk/ – They have a celebrity news section.
“Let’s totally ignore the request of George Michael’s family to respect the musician’s privacy in this time of mourning and tell you about his favorite TV shows and Ice Cream flavours.”
Original: “Intimate details of George Michael’s life revealed by ex lover”
“Noel Gallagher’s son looks like him. Visibly. When you look at him. We got this picture where the kid looks very much like the son of Noel Gallagher. Look at it for yourself.”
Original: “Noel Gallagher’s son is his doppelganger as lad strikes pose just like rocker dad”
“Woman’s boyfriend dies, how could her ex possibly continue living his life normally? Scandal!”
Original: “Zoe Ball’s ex-husband Norman Cook plays gig and signs autographs just hours after her boyfriend Billy Yates dies”
“Charlie Sheen is acting exactly like Charlie Sheen again.”
Original: “Charlie Sheen ‘suffered borderline dementia’ from his HIV medication”
Alright, alright. That site was a little boring for me because the ‘celebrities’ there are mostly people I’ve never heard of, and if I’ve never heard of them, I am guessing most of you have never heard of them either. Those Brits! Let’s move on to a website we all know about.
http://www.tmz.com/ – The be-all, end-all of celebrity gossip news.
“Baywatch-style swimsuits! Girls! Photos! Russian singles REALLY want to meet you…. I mean…”
Original: “HOLLYWOOD IS SEEING RED – SEE THE STARS IN SCARLET SWIMSUITS”
“Rich people set cash on fire to show how little it actually means to them at Kentucky Derby.”
Original: “KENTUCKY DERBY – Celebs Already Racing FOR THE BIGGEST BALLER CROWN”
“Chris Brown continues down path toward eventually killing a woman with his bare hands; world watches in wonder.”
Original: “CHRIS BROWN FINALLY SERVED WITH KARRUECHE RESTRAINING ORDER”
Seriously, it’s fucking hard to sit through looking at some of those headlines. I’m picking out the good ones to rewrite but some of that shit is so bad … I can’t imagine being bored enough to read through that crap. This is painful.
http://www.usmagazine.com/ – Ya know, another one of those sites with a celebrity column.
“Madonna is naked, photoshopped and ready.”
Original: “Madonna Shows Off Her Killer Body in Naked Selfie”
“10 year old girl looks like porn star mother in these pictures. We have zero standards for our headlines.”
Original: “Dannielynn Birkhead Is All Grown Up, Looks Like Late Mom Anna Nicole Smith in New Pics”
“There is actually a thing called ‘armpit liposuction’. Seriously people, that’s a thing!”
Original: “Chrissy Teigen Admits She Got Liposuction in Her Armpits, Jokes: ‘Everything About Me Is Fake’”
“Celebs take wiping their asses with hundred dollar bills to the next level; holding those hundred dollar bills with golden fingers.”
Original: “Blake Lively and Jennifer Lopez Wore Actual 24K Gold on Their Nails at the Met Gala 2017”
Okay, okay, I’ve had enough. I don’t even know if my rewrites are even good but I am a little amused. Hopefully you are too. Have a good week metalheads.