Every year the Revolver Golden Gods Awards comes and makes the industry look ridiculous. From a lack of credible nominees to a not-so-democratic way of picking winners (to put it lightly), this event is simply a show to toot your own horn by those who have weight in the heavy music world.

The good thing about the Golden Gods? Heavy music didn’t get any recognition at all in the past and now we actually have something to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done. The bad thing? It’s all fake and recognition isn’t going to the right places. We have to take the good with the bad I suppose and that’s why we give it any visibility at all. So with the idea that ‘it’s better than nothing’ in mind, I’ll give you my perspective on the nominees and winners.


Album of the Year

Avenged Sevenfold, Hail to the King
Black Sabbath, 13
Five Finger Death Punch, The Wrong Side of Heaven and the Righteous Side of Hell, Volume 1 and 2
Korn, The Paradigm Shift
Queens of the Stone Age, …Like Clockwork
Volbeat, Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies

Is it wrong for me to say that I actually agree with this one? To be fair, I haven’t listened to the new Volbeat album, but I’m also not a fan of what they do so I think it would be difficult for me to actually change from the mighty Sabbath given this group of candidates. My top ten albums of 2013 had none of these bands on it, and any list that has Five Finger Death Punch has no real credibility anyway.


Best Vocalist

Jeremy McKinnon (A Day to Remember)
M. Shadows (Avenged Sevenfold)
Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch)
Papa Emeritus II (Ghost B.C.)
Jonathan Davis (Korn)
Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age)

Holy shit, a second one I agree with? Am I on drugs? Did someone poison my toast? NOPE. Look at the fucking competition… I shouldn’t really knock Josh Homme though, the guy is pretty good. But he’s the clear winner with a competition of people who simply can’t compete. That, and it’s disappointing when you think of all the albums that came out last year with better singers than Ivan Moody and Papa Emeritus… Just sayin’.


Dimebag Darrell Best Guitarist(s)

Jerry Cantrell (Alice in Chains)
Synyster Gates & Zacky Vengeance (Avenged Sevenfold)
Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath)
John Petrucci (Dream Theater)
Zoltan Bathory & Jason Hook (Five Finger Death Punch)
Munky & Head (Korn)

Okay, stop. Just stop. You KNOW no one is better than John Petrucci on this list. You KNOW there is no more credible guitar player on this list than Tony Iommi.

So how the hell does anyone deduce that the Avenged Sevenfold duo are better than the two icons I just mentioned? To be completely fair, the A7X guys don’t suck. I knock the band all the time but I specifically never say they suck because they don’t… but they’re certainly not better than Petrucci and on this list of characters, Iommi should win by default. End of story.


Paul Gray Best Bassist

Johnny Christ (Avenged Sevenfold)
Geezer Butler (Black Sabbath)
Chris Kael (Five Finger Death Punch)
Rex Brown (Kill Devil Hill)
Fieldy (Korn)
Emma Anzai (Sick Puppies)

Paul Gray is rolling over in his grave right now. Chris Kael??? You cannot be serious… I’m not a fan of Fieldy but even he is better than Chris Kael! You picked Kael over Geezer Butler?? Kael over Rex Brown??? You people are out of your fucking minds.


Best Drummer presented by Razor & Tie

Arin Ilejay (Avenged Sevenfold)
Brad Wilk (for his work with Black Sabbath)
Vinnie Appice (Kill Devil Hill)
Matt Halpern (Periphery)
Chris Adler (for his work with Protest the Hero)
Mike Portnoy (The Winery Dogs)

I’m not mad about this one but I’m also not necessarily satisfied. I think Arin is good. Personally I would have gone with Periphery’s Matt Halpern on this one. And to be totally fair I haven’t heard Portnoy‘s The Winery Dogs, so maybe I’m missing out. I’ll give it a spin but I’m not so amped about this decision.


Best Live Band

The Dillinger Escape Plan
Lamb of God
Mötley Crüe
Rob Zombie

No. You’re wrong. Not only are you wrong, but you know that you’re wrong. I love Lamb of God. Slayer is amazing. Mötley Crüe puts on an amazing show. Rob Zombie‘s light show is fantastic. But none of these bands even come close to a Dillinger show. NOT EVEN CLOSE. The Dillinger Escape Plan is by far the best live band on this list, if not the best live band on the planet. I have seen all of these bands live so I feel confident in saying, whever picked this winner needs to lose their internship.


Song of the Year presented by Randall Amplifiers

Alice in Chains, “Hollow”
Avenged Sevenfold, “Hail to the King”
Bring Me the Horizon, “Shadow Moses”
Five Finger Death Punch, “Lift Me Up”
Of Mice & Men, “You’re Not Alone”
The Pretty Reckless, “Going to Hell”

I guess no one at Randall Amps or Revolver Magazine heard the new Chosen or Scale the Summit records? Maybe they missed out on Carcass? Perhaps the Watain promo got lost in the mail? Somehow Revocation‘s record didn’t make it into the CD player? Seriously guys, you do realize there are bands other than Five Finger Death Punch and Avenged Sevenfold out there right? Right???


Best Film & Video presented by Eagle Rock Entertainment

Behemoth, “Blow Your Trumpets Gabriel”
Huntress, “Zenith”
Lamb of God, As the Palaces Burn
Metallica, Through the Never
Motionless in White, “America”
Pierce the Veil, This is a Wasteland

Excuse me? Who are you talking about? I don’t know who this band is but I watched the trailer and I would rather puke squids on my own feces and eat it again rather than watch this garbage… There’s also the fundamental issue that you’ve grouped music videos with documentaries. Music videos? Behemoth wins, hands down. Documentaries? I’ve only seen Lamb of God‘s but it’s one of the more polarizing music documentaries I’ve seen in years so it would be hard to beat.


Best New Talent presented by Victory Records

Heaven’s Basement
Scar the Martyr
Twelve Foot Ninja
††† (Crosses)

Wait, I thought the industry was up Deafheaven‘s ass? Everyone was talking about them for about ten seconds… I didn’t get it. Well, anyway, congrats to the eclectic Twelve Foot Ninja. I’m glad a band that’s having a good time gets some recognition… you don’t see it happen that often.


Comeback of the Year

Black Sabbath
Deep Purple
Nine Inch Nails
Queens of the Stone Age
Suicidal Tendencies

I’m pretty sure Carcass should have won this one. Not that I have anything against Deep Purple, but I think the Carcass return is far more exciting. I’m glad all these guys are getting some recognition. I’m sure it’s only because Five Finger Death Punch and Avenged Sevenfold aren’t having comebacks.


Most Metal Athlete

Tony Alva (skateboarder)
Grant Balfour (MLB)
Josh Barnett (mixed martial artist, UFC)
Stephen Curry (Golden State Warriors, NBA)
Derek Garland (Metal Mulisha, motocross)
Tuukka Rask (Boston Bruins, NHL)

Again, why the fuck is this a category? Congrats, you figured out that mashing someone’s fucking face to pieces is more metal than riding a skateboard, riding a motorbike, playing baseball, playing hockey or playing basketball. Why are we giving awards out for this? Kill this category and split out videos from documentaries and now you’ve got something going for you! Or what’s next, most metal airline (winner goes to whoever flies all the metal ‘celebs’ first class to LA next year.)


Most Dedicated Fans

A Day to Remember
Avenged Sevenfold
Five Finger Death Punch
Of Mice & Men
The Pretty Reckless

Because metal motherfuckers at Duff‘s in Brooklyn, New York scream “Avenged Sevenfold” as loud as they possibly can when it comes on the jukebox? FUCK NO. Most dedicated fans? SLAYER. Even Avenged Sevenfold fans know it. Another bullshit pick at a joke awards show. Good job guys.